Om ingenting. Eller någonting.

My mother is a quisling. She is complicit with the patriarchy as long as the effects don’t affect her personally (when they do, watch out, but she is not concerned with things that are outside of her middle class, white woman sphere).  This is a serious condemnation, especially from me, since I also possess the same privilege that she does…but I don’t want to be like her.  I want to be able to pull the curtain away, see the privilege (instead of enjoying the bliss that comes with its invisibility), and speak out against it — try to do something to change it, change the world.

At dinner father sat down with my mother and me and enquired whether I had heard of a murder in a town that I pass by when I drive to work.  I said that I had not.  He said that at 9.30 the previous night someone had been murdered at Generic Dairy Burger Chain.  I attempted to extract more details from him.   Turns out, it was a domestic dispute.  A husband went to the GDBC to confront his wife (who worked there), they fought and he killed her.  I asked if there were previous instances of domestic problems, or if he had a criminal past.  My dad answered to the affirmative; they had had marital problems, etc.  My mother enquired whether they were separated or divorced and it turns out they were divorced.  It turns out they had been divorced for a while, she had restraining orders on him, and she was still trying to legally obtain alimony/or financial support from him.  Apparently the morning of the murder, he had found out that his wages had been garnished, and that was the impetus for the confrontation.

my mother: “she should have known better.  She should have just been happy to get out of the marriage, instead of trying to get money from him”

me: “how could she have known that he was going to kill her?  And maybe she did need his financial assistance.  Maybe she was financially disadvantaged after the divorce, and that’s why she was working at the GDBC.”

mother: “well, she knew that he had a history of instability, so she should have expected this”

me:  sputtering and shouting something about blaming the victim, seeing red, etc.

This is ridiculous.  I should have known better than to engage in such a sensitive topic, but I am a glutton for punishment.   but the lesson of the day is this:  women–much in the same way women who wear short skirts are asking for it– who have had domestic abuse should expect to be killed if they attempt to receive alimony from their ex-spouses.

What is my problem?  this woman probably was scared and probably feared for her life.  She probably knew what kind of danger she was in.   She probably already did expect the worst, but somehow she had to live her life and one needs money to live, unfortunately.   She should not have to live in a world where she should have to expect to be killed.  She should not have (had) to live in a world where comfortable middle class women will shake their heads at her decision to seek alimony, and use past instances of domestic violence as the natural precursor to her murder.

this makes me incredibly sad. it makes me wish for something beautiful after death, so that those who did not have much beauty in life can experience some degree of weightless, pure happiness.